Soufflé

"Soufflé"

VERSE 1:  

Easy Mac, Shake 'N Bake, Instant Chinese Jook
You mi-cro-wave it all, but you never cook.
Should have known you was trouble when I saw you chew
You had your mouth wide open. Why was it open? EWW.
You burnt my scrambled eggs so I tossed 'em in the trash,
I tossed 'em in the trash, I did.
To switch off cooking meals was all I ever asked, but
What you don't understand is  

CHORUS (a):  

I WOULD BAKE A SOUFFLÉ FOR YA (yeaaah yeaaah)
I'd cure my own paté for ya (yeaaah yeaaah)
I'd mix a fresh fruit parfait for ya (yeaaah yeaaah)
You know I'd cook the whole day for ya (yeaaah yeaaah)
I would go through all this pain
Feed the sugar straight to your bra-ain.
'cause I'd go gourmet for ya bay-be,
But you won't do the same.  

VERSE 2:  

Medium well, rare, blue: that steak will break your jaw
Have the waitress take it back if you can't cut it with a saw
Mad [harmony] woman, bad [harmony] woman, that's just what you are
You try to make PB&J, but you can't open a jar
You undercooked my rice and so I tossed it in the trash
I tossed it in the trash, yes I did.
To make me lunch on weekends was all I ever asked, but
What you don't understand is  

CHORUS (b):  

I'd BAKE A SOUFFLÉ FOR YA (yeaaaah yeaaah)
Brew a café au lait for ya
I'd blend a truffel purée for ya (yeaaaah yeaaah)
There's so much I would sautée for ya (yeaaah yeaaah)
I would go through all this pain
Inject the glucose straight to your veins
I'd go gourmet for ya bay-be,
But you won't do the same 

BRIDGE: 

If my heartburn was on fire
Ooo, you'd buy me a tuna melt
You said you'd cook, well, you're a liar!
Cause you never, ever, EVER did, baby
. . .  

CHORUS (c)  

BUT DARLIN' I'D STILL BAKE A SOUFFLÉ FOR YA (yeaaaah yeaaaah)
Brew my own Earl Gray for ya (yeaaah yeaaah)
I'd scoop my homemade sorbet for ya (yeaaah yeaaah)
I'd undergo tooth decay for ya (yeaah yeaaaah)
I would go through all this pain
Feed the sugar straight to your bra~ain
I'd cook gourmet for you baby,
But you won't do the same.
No you won't do the same.
You would'nt do the same.
Ooo, you never do the same
No, no-no-no-no-o.

 0:40 [instead of Bruno Mars pulling a piano down the side of a road with a rope over his shoulder, he's pulling a stove]

0:55 [there's a homeless guy just like in the original, only it's awkward cause the protagonist is carrying a ton of food]

1:23 [instead of shirtless thugs with bling blocking his path, he confronts a posse of badass fast-food workers in uniform -- paper hats, etc.]

1:25 [instead cutting to a menacing bulldog, we see an angry dairy cow like this: http://www.thefastertimes.com/theweb/files/2010/09/angry-cow.jpeg ]

1:33 [One of the McThugs slaps a very large tiramisu out of Bruno's hands and onto the floor.]

1:38 [Bruno bends over to pick it up but the McThug kicks it, covering his face with frosting]

2:21 [instead of a muscly guy in a wifebeater getting close to Bruno's girlfriend in the window, we see a McThug surreptitiously pulling a Happy Meal out of an unmarked paper bag and holding it out temptingly in front of her]

3:15 [instead of a Priest, he passes a man in chef's uniform on the road]

3:37 [instead of Bruno jumping in front of a train -- we hear the Doppler effect of a train's whistle hurtling straight at him in the end -- the man puts Rice-a-Roni in the microwave and we see it spinning slowly around. The end of the video is the microwave's end beep and the light going out inside: Blackout]

Yakama predators

Wild horses have no natural predators on the Yakama Reservation, and even though their exploding numbers are overgrazing the land, degrading many traditional food/medicine resources such as root vegetables and salmon, the Yakama do not think of the horses as an invasive species. In order to protect the balance of their resources, the Yakama have been trying to open a horse meat processing plant in order to control the population. Besides bureaucratic hurdles, the Yakama are facing public opposition by the American Wild Horse Preservation Campaign, which describes wild horses as “an iconic image of the American West,” part of America’s national heritage.

Confused as to why anyone would want to protect an invasive species, I decided to contact the Wild Horse Preservation Campaign and ask. When I asked what sort of dialogue existed between the campaign and the Yakama Nation, summarizing how a horse meat processing plant would be helpful, a campaign representative replied with the following message:

From: Deniz <XXXXXXX@wildhorsepreservation.org>

Date: Thu, Nov 29, 2012 at 4:28 PM

Subject: Wild Horses

To: XXXXXXX@columbia.edu

Hello Takeshi,

Thank you for your email and raising the issue of the Yakima Nation's pro-horse slaughter position. For years the Yakima Nation has promoted the slaughter of horses (wild and domestic). To date, we have not any communications with the Yakima Nation. We support humane fertility control to suppress population growth, when necessary. In addition, it's essential to protect natural ecological balance which includes the protection of predators.

Please let me know if you have any additional questions.

Deniz

American Wild Horse Preservation Campaign

Apart from misspelling “Yakama” Deniz’s response immediately made me lose faith in a possible reconciliation between the campaign and the Yakama because of its invective tone, “For years [this savage people] has promoted the slaughter of horses” and because of the arbitrary value designation of “humane” population control measures.

So I decided to play a prank on the campaign, because my experience has been that you learn the most about someone when you get them really pissed off. I guess everyone has a justification for being a complete asshole, and mine is politically correct anthropological research. Actually, I just wanted to mess with them because they're dumb. They try to use scientific rhetoric to cultivate a false air legitimacy, and they’re also kind of racist.

Because I frequently imitate my father’s Japanese accent behind his back, I have a fairly well-developed alter-ego that I put on whenever I have to avoid talking to a United Airlines MileagePlus credit card sales representative at the airport. I simply hold a shy hand in front of my face and say, “ ソリ ソリ, ノ イングリッシュ!” and they leave me alone. So I assumed that my very Japanese name would be enough to convince Deniz that I was a very confused Japanese student who didn’t really understand anything about ecology. Our correspondence proceeded as follows (misspelling of “Yakama” intentional):

From: Takeshi [mailto:XXXXXXX@columbia.edu]

Sent: Friday, November 30, 2012 1:03 PM

Hello Deniz,

Thank you for your response. I did have one question because I didn't know that horse was a predator.

Are you saying that the horses are prey upon the Yakima? If so, doesn't that put horse above people? Or do they preying upon other animal?

From: Deniz <XXXXXXX@wildhorsepreservation.org>

Date: Fri, Nov 30, 2012 at 4:14 PM

Hello Takeshi,

Horses are prey animals -- not predators. Predators should be protected because they contribute to healthy ecological balance and also play a role in suppressing wild horse population growth.

Please let me know if you have any further questions,

Deniz

From: Takeshi [mailto:XXXXXXX@columbia.edu]

Sent: Friday, November 30, 2012 1:34 PM

I see. So the Yakima are horse predators? Is that what a you say? Some people are saying that Japanese people are whale predators, and that is very offensive to me.

From: Deniz <XXXXXXX@wildhorsepreservation.org>

Date: Thu, Nov 29, 2012 at 4:53 PM

You are misunderstanding what I am addressing -- the predators I'm referring to are natural predators such as mountain lions, coyotes, etc.

It sounds like you have a personal issue and are trying to relate it to America's wild horse issue. I urge you to read information on our website for additional information on the wild horse issue: www.wildhorsepreservation.org.

Thank so much.

Best wishes,

Deniz

From: Takeshi [mailto:XXXXXXX@columbia.edu]

Sent: Friday, November 30, 2012 2:20 PM

Dear Deniz,

Thank you for the clarification. I was completely misunderstood what you were saying. I was just trying to relate it to a personal issue because making it easier for me to understand.

I looked at the website and found the information on PZP contraceptive darts. This would be useful for your conversation with the Yakima, because they claiming that contraception is dangerous (wild horses have bitten off fingers), and that's why it's safer to eat them.

But, I still don't understand why coyote and mountain lion eating the Yakima has anything to do with the wild horse population. Thanks so much.

From: Deniz <XXXXXXX@wildhorsepreservation.org>

Date: Thu, Nov 29, 2012 at 5:25 PM

Subject: Wild Horses

To: XXXXXXX@columbia.edu

Natural predators reduce wild horse populations. We support humane fertility control to suppress wild horse population growth, when necessary. In addition, it's essential to protect natural ecological balance which includes the protection of predators -- predators are known to suppress wild horse population growth. I'm sorry I cannot explain this any more clearly.

Sadly, from what I have heard from Yakima representatives, this tribe is not interested in humanely managing wild horse populations. If you have contact with Yakima Nations representatives who are interested in humanely [emphasis] managing wild horse populations, through PZP contraception, please feel free to pass on my email address.

Best to you,

Deniz

The repeated italicization of humanely confirmed my suspicions that the Wild Horse Preservation Campaign looks at the Yakama with a 19th-Century kind of cultural superiority, and the 18-point font confirmed my suspicions that yelling really loudly is one of their primary rhetorical strategies. When I received this final response, I was very disappointed about not being able to exercise anthropological tools for navigating epistemological clashes in conservation issues. The Wild Horse Preservation Campaign was pulling the wool over their own eyes: predation on wild horses by coyotes and mountain lions is extremely rare, and PZP contraception is very expensive and doesn’t work unless it’s readministered every year.

I hope the Wild Horse Preservation Campaign doesn’t prevent the Yakama from opening up their horse processing plant. I think there have been good signs: last year, President Obama approved a bill re-legalizing the slaughter and sale of horse meat within the United States. Now, at least legally, the Yakama aren’t limited to killing horses by traditional “horse-chasing” alone. However, a de facto ban on horse slaughter still remains in practice, because the bill didn’t provide funding for federal inspection of horse slaughter, without which slaughter is still illegal.

Signing in the dark

Lunar synthesis

We sign by day, but at night the obscurity dissolves our semantics. The fire-talk is mostly intelligible, slightly distorted, or drunk by smoke and at times exaggerated. But the moon-talk is terrifying in its alchemical clarity; the most frightened I have ever been was in a dream. I walked away from the river alone and found a blind stranger signing horrible lunar incantations at the top of a hill. Now I never lie down to sleep facing East, and when I'm alone in the forest at night I repeat the foreign signs to myself silently as the dream sifts through the midnight between the leaves.

*Highly intertextual / borderline plagiarized from T.S. Eliot's "Rhapsody on a Windy Night"