Soufflé

"Soufflé"

VERSE 1:  

Easy Mac, Shake 'N Bake, Instant Chinese Jook
You mi-cro-wave it all, but you never cook.
Should have known you was trouble when I saw you chew
You had your mouth wide open. Why was it open? EWW.
You burnt my scrambled eggs so I tossed 'em in the trash,
I tossed 'em in the trash, I did.
To switch off cooking meals was all I ever asked, but
What you don't understand is  

CHORUS (a):  

I WOULD BAKE A SOUFFLÉ FOR YA (yeaaah yeaaah)
I'd cure my own paté for ya (yeaaah yeaaah)
I'd mix a fresh fruit parfait for ya (yeaaah yeaaah)
You know I'd cook the whole day for ya (yeaaah yeaaah)
I would go through all this pain
Feed the sugar straight to your bra-ain.
'cause I'd go gourmet for ya bay-be,
But you won't do the same.  

VERSE 2:  

Medium well, rare, blue: that steak will break your jaw
Have the waitress take it back if you can't cut it with a saw
Mad [harmony] woman, bad [harmony] woman, that's just what you are
You try to make PB&J, but you can't open a jar
You undercooked my rice and so I tossed it in the trash
I tossed it in the trash, yes I did.
To make me lunch on weekends was all I ever asked, but
What you don't understand is  

CHORUS (b):  

I'd BAKE A SOUFFLÉ FOR YA (yeaaaah yeaaah)
Brew a café au lait for ya
I'd blend a truffel purée for ya (yeaaaah yeaaah)
There's so much I would sautée for ya (yeaaah yeaaah)
I would go through all this pain
Inject the glucose straight to your veins
I'd go gourmet for ya bay-be,
But you won't do the same 

BRIDGE: 

If my heartburn was on fire
Ooo, you'd buy me a tuna melt
You said you'd cook, well, you're a liar!
Cause you never, ever, EVER did, baby
. . .  

CHORUS (c)  

BUT DARLIN' I'D STILL BAKE A SOUFFLÉ FOR YA (yeaaaah yeaaaah)
Brew my own Earl Gray for ya (yeaaah yeaaah)
I'd scoop my homemade sorbet for ya (yeaaah yeaaah)
I'd undergo tooth decay for ya (yeaah yeaaaah)
I would go through all this pain
Feed the sugar straight to your bra~ain
I'd cook gourmet for you baby,
But you won't do the same.
No you won't do the same.
You would'nt do the same.
Ooo, you never do the same
No, no-no-no-no-o.

 0:40 [instead of Bruno Mars pulling a piano down the side of a road with a rope over his shoulder, he's pulling a stove]

0:55 [there's a homeless guy just like in the original, only it's awkward cause the protagonist is carrying a ton of food]

1:23 [instead of shirtless thugs with bling blocking his path, he confronts a posse of badass fast-food workers in uniform -- paper hats, etc.]

1:25 [instead cutting to a menacing bulldog, we see an angry dairy cow like this: http://www.thefastertimes.com/theweb/files/2010/09/angry-cow.jpeg ]

1:33 [One of the McThugs slaps a very large tiramisu out of Bruno's hands and onto the floor.]

1:38 [Bruno bends over to pick it up but the McThug kicks it, covering his face with frosting]

2:21 [instead of a muscly guy in a wifebeater getting close to Bruno's girlfriend in the window, we see a McThug surreptitiously pulling a Happy Meal out of an unmarked paper bag and holding it out temptingly in front of her]

3:15 [instead of a Priest, he passes a man in chef's uniform on the road]

3:37 [instead of Bruno jumping in front of a train -- we hear the Doppler effect of a train's whistle hurtling straight at him in the end -- the man puts Rice-a-Roni in the microwave and we see it spinning slowly around. The end of the video is the microwave's end beep and the light going out inside: Blackout]